Have you ever been praised by someone who said, “That was great.” As soon as you heard it, you knew that the person meant well but somehow you could not really gloat in the compliment. Why? Perhaps the compliment was delivered in a sincere tone but it was too general and it was a judgment. General, vague praise, even when it is sincere, is called “evaluative praise.” When kids hear evaluative praise they translate it as, “she is just saying that because she loves me,” or “he tells everyone that.”
Descriptive Praise is different from “evaluative praise.” Evaluative is vague and for that reason, it does not shape behavior. Descriptive Praise is very specific and thus is the most powerful motivator and training tool. It is the best way to prevent problems because children want parents’ approval. Children are so motivated by descriptive praise that misbehavior stops because the descriptive praise shapes positive behavior and conveys a set of values. Children feel more confident and motivated when they get descriptive praise. Hitting, criticizing and threatening children tend to accomplish the opposite of motivation and cooperation: lack of confidence, fear and acting out behavior.
What are the differences between descriptive praise and evaluative praise?
Evaluative Praise:
- Is general rather than specific, usually delivered with exclamation
- The child knows that the parent is giving this specific praise because the parent loves the child rather than appreciating the specifics of what the child has done
- The child does not believe the parent when parent uses evaluative praise
- It is not a motivator or a training tool
- It can make the child feel worse or that they could have done better
- It does not increase the child’s confidence, maturity, self-reliance and cooperation
Descriptive Praise:
- Is delivered in a calm, casual voice rather than as an exclamation.
- Is about noticing and describing the good things that the child does
- Is about noticing effort rather than results
- Sets a mood in the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
- Is positive and optimistic
- Can reduce the number of incidents of misbehavior
- Is the most powerful motivator and training tool
- Is used to convey values and rules
- Increases the child’s confidence, maturity, self-reliance and cooperation
Do not use descriptive praise for skills and behavior that the child has learned long ago because it can be taken as patronizing. Children who receive a large amount of genuinely delivered descriptive praise internalize the praise and their confidence, cooperation, self-reliance and self-image improves.
How to use DESCRIPTIVE PRAISE:
During sibling squabbles:
when a child is whining over the toy train that a sibling is playing with, when the whining stops, say, “I know that you want to play with the train and you are waiting patiently for your turn and not even whining.”
*when one child is teasing the other, praise the child who is not responding by saying, “even though your sister is teasing you, you have not reacted.”
During meal times:
*“you washed your hands before dinner, that is healthy behavior.”
*If children are arguing at a meal, at the moment they stop say, “you stopped arguing, you are making the mealtime pleasant.”
*if children are resistant to eating certain foods, serve a first course of microscopic bits of diverse foods which are required to be finished before the (favored) second course, say, “you finished all of your first course and you did not complain.”
Screen time:
*when the child turns off the television after the viewing time has elapsed, say, “You turned off the TV, you are being cooperative.”
*when the child has earned TV screen time as a reward by completing homework, say, “you have successfully completed your homework and have earned TV time.”
Homework”
*the child has been practicing writing on the line and has made progress, “you are writing on the line, your writing is so neat.
*the child has not completed his homework and complains about how long it is taking, “you are nearly done with your homework and have demonstrated good concentration and effort. How about a 5 minute break before doing the last part?”
Shaping attitudes:
*for a child who generally argues, “You did not argue about screen time. You are being cooperative.”
*for a child who is strong willed but this time does as asked, say, “You did what I asked when I told you to put your toys away.”
Areas where descriptive praise can be used for a child at any developmental stage: table manners, morning routines, putting away toys and books, putting away clothes, sibling cooperation, cooperation with parents, homework routines, mealtime routines, when a child is being self-reliant, when a child makes eye contact with the person who is speaking and whenever the child demonstrates behavior that you want repeated.
Descriptive praise is a powerful tool in all relationships because it is personal, specific and conveys values. It can be used in communication with family, friends as well as in work settings.
