Author: Roberta Hoffman

New motherhood brings a bundle of joy — as well as a lot of prying questions, judgmental comments, and unwanted advice about raising a baby. We’ve compiled some awkward and awful real-life anecdotes from moms. Learn what topics call for caution or complete avoidance. Go ahead and share constructive parenting tips, but tread carefully, moms!
Breastfeeding vs. Bottle-Feeding
This is the “mother” of all sore subjects for new moms. Some mothers breastfeed for years, while others do it for months or weeks, and some don’t try nursing at all — and that’s all okay. Breastfeeding has great health benefits for babies, but pediatricians still say formula-feeding is a fine alternative. If breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding comes up in conversation, be open to everyone’s point of view and personal experience.
Cloth vs. Disposable Diapers
Sure, cloth diapers are the “green” and old-fashioned option. But they can also be higher maintenance than disposable diapers. One new mom we know had multiple pushy offers from her mother-in-law to receive a cloth diaper service as a baby shower gift — but she knew it wouldn’t fit her busy lifestyle as a working mother, so she declined. Avoid voicing strong opinions on how someone else should cover baby’s bottom.
Whether to Circumcise
Circumcision is a hot topic of debate. The common practice of removing a male baby’s foreskin has some risks and some benefits. The American Academy of Pediatrics, along with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the American Academy of Family Physicians, maintains that there is not enough data to medically recommend or oppose circumcision. Whether to do the procedure is a private decision for parents to make.
Baby’s Name
Parents put months — or even years — into choosing a baby name. If a friend shares her list of baby name ideas and asks for your advice, let her know your favorites, but keep any negative comments about your least favorites to yourself. If you think her ultimate baby name pick is too trendy or too common, it’s best to bite your tongue. She’ll probably remember your feedback forever.
Hillary Wollin

Parenting a bully or a victim of bullying can be challenging for many reasons. One of the most important parenting interventions for our children is to prevent bullying. While the consequences for the victim and the bully are different, prevention saves the needless pain of the bullied child but also the child who bullies. How does a parent prevent bullying? It starts by conveying our values by example and in our interactions with our children. Here is a link to more information about prevention of bullying. http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/parenting-a-bully.html

Every child wants to be appreciated and get positive attention from each parent. Children view sibling as rivals for parents’ appreciation and positive attention. Thus, the term “sibling rivalry.”  So, the antidote to sibling rivalry is clear: individual, positive attention from each parent on a routine basis so that siblings do not have to “fight” for it.  When siblings routinely squabble it may be because their needs for recognition and appreciation are not being met.

Parents can create an environment that reduces rivalry in several ways.

•Set routine times to be alone with each child, where the child knows that they will have the parent all to themselves, even if for only fifteen minutes each day. The times can be written on a calendar or bulletin board. This is called quality time. Quality time should not be time connected with homework or music practice where the child could feel evaluated. Quality time is not about being with a child while focusing on something else (multitasking), entertaining the child, spending money on experiences or gifts, doing something for the child, or watching TV. It is about spending time together that is mutually satisfying and involves interacting, including snuggling, tickling, wrestling, playing games, playing music together, or reading. Parents can take advantage of driving in the car together, walking the dog together, or cooking a meal together. Where there are several children of different ages, bed times can be staggered so that each child spends time with the parent before bed.

•Each child should have a space in the home where personal belongings can be kept safely, free from disturbance. Parents need to reinforce the importance of each child’s individual space. There should be clear, pre set consequences for taking a sibling’s belongings without permission.

•Have a designated, neutral place in the house where children can go to resolve squabbles. A way for a parent to stay out of the conflict is to send the children to the designated place when they are squabbling. For example, when children are squabbling do not reprimand, even to say, “Stop it.”  Simply ask the children, “Where do you need to go if you are squabbling?” The parent can always remove oneself.

•Encourage individuality. Older children should have different privileges than younger children. Address and facilitate each child’s interests and assets. Using descriptive praise to acknowledge a child’s individual assets and successes, helps the child feel appreciated and valued.

•Teach children how to play by themselves. This can be done by being present in the room while a child is playing with a toy and interacting about the toy but not playing with the child with the toy. Teaching children how to be alone can be done by designating a time where the parent has “personal time” (say to read a book) and not be disturbed by the child. (For very young children the parent can be in the same room but discourage interaction for short periods of time.)

•Use Descriptive Praise (see blog of April 19, 2012) to reinforce positive behavior when the children are not squabbling.

•Use Reflective Listening (see Blog of March 28, 2012) to acknowledge the child’s feelings. For example, grant the child’s fantasy wish. For example, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have daddy all to yourself.” Or, “I bet you wish that you didn’t have to share your toys with your bother.”

•Ask the child for suggestions about how the problem might be solved.  Do not tell the child how to resolve the problem because the solution will be yours, not the child’s. By soliciting suggestions from the child, the parent is encouraging independence and problem solving.

•Demonstrate how to resolve conflicts. When a parent chooses to become involved in siblings’ conflict both children must be present to discuss the conflict. Begin by defining the rules of the conflict resolution:

• Each child is allowed to speak for a defined amount of time, without interruption.
• If the explanation by the child is unfocused, the parent can summarize and clarify the child’s complaint.
• Use reflective listening to acknowledge each child’s feelings and problems with the sibling. This is the most important step because the parent is acknowledging the child’s feelings and conveying understanding. This step is necessary for the children to be able to move toward resolution.
• Clarify with each child what behavior upset the sibling and have the child acknowledge what he/she did to upset the sibling. For example, “I took Joey’s sleepy toy and he got upset.”
• Have each child request of the other child how he/she wants the sibling to behave in the future. For example, “I want you to not touch my computer. If a child won’t participate in this step, continue to use reflective listening until the child feels understood.

•Ignoring minor squabbles. Squabbles can be an opportunity for siblings to learn how to resolve conflicts. When there is conflict between siblings, parents have a tendency to side with the younger child. When this happens, the older child feels blamed and may take the anger out on the younger child. This suggestion is last because if the parents have created an environment where children get positive attention and feel appreciated through the above suggestions, the number and severity of squabbles will be minimal.

Is sibling squabbling bad? Sibling squabbling is natural and can be an opportunity to learn sharing, taking turns and handling disagreements. When siblings routinely squabble it may be because their needs for recognition and appreciation are not being met. Parents can change the emotional environment in the home to reduce sibling squabbles.

Written by Roberta Hoffman and Hillary Wollin

 

There is a strong link between bullying and depression. Both bullies and their victims are at high risk for depression, low self-esteem, physical illness and anxiety. These symptoms may persist on a long term basis, even into adulthood. Thus, it is imperative that parents be aware of these symptoms and other immediate effects of bullying if they suspect that their child might be a victim of bullying. Immediate symptoms of bullying include:

• Becoming withdrawn
• Showing fear when it is time to go to school
• Increasing signs of depression
• Decline in school performance
• Speaking of another child with fear
• Noticeable decline in how the child sees him or herself
• Signs of physical altercations, such as bruises, scrapes and other marks.

Bullying can take many forms including:

• Cyber bullying
• Face to face bullying
• Physical bullying
• Emotional abuse
• Verbal abuse.

A website that is a valuable resource for parents concerned about bullying is:

Child Bullying

Have you ever been praised by someone who said, “That was great.” As soon as you heard it, you knew that the person meant well but somehow you could not really gloat in the compliment. Why? Perhaps the compliment was delivered in a sincere tone but it was too general and it was a judgment. General, vague praise, even when it is sincere, is called “evaluative praise.” When kids hear evaluative praise they translate it as, “she is just saying that because she loves me,” or “he tells everyone that.”

Descriptive Praise is different from “evaluative praise.” Evaluative is vague and for that reason, it does not shape behavior.  Descriptive Praise is very specific and thus is the most powerful motivator and training tool. It is the best way to prevent problems because children want parents’ approval. Children are so motivated by descriptive praise that  misbehavior stops because the descriptive praise shapes positive behavior and conveys a set of values. Children feel more confident and motivated when they get descriptive praise. Hitting, criticizing and threatening children tend to accomplish the opposite of motivation and cooperation: lack of confidence, fear and acting out behavior.

What are the differences between descriptive praise and evaluative praise?

Evaluative Praise:

• Is general rather than specific, usually delivered with exclamation
• The child knows that the parent is giving this specific praise because the parent loves the child rather than appreciating the specifics of what the child has done
• The child does not believe the parent when parent uses evaluative praise
• It is not a motivator or a training tool
• It can make the child feel worse or that they could have done better
• It does not increase the child’s confidence, maturity, self-reliance and cooperation

Descriptive Praise:

• Is delivered in a calm, casual voice rather than as an exclamation.
• Is about noticing and describing the good things that the child does
• Is about noticing effort rather than results
• Sets a mood in the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
• Is positive and optimistic
• Can reduce the number of incidents of misbehavior
• Is the most powerful motivator and training tool
• Is used to convey values and rules
• Increases the child’s confidence, maturity, self-reliance and cooperation

Do not use descriptive praise for skills and behavior that the child has learned long ago because it can be taken as patronizing. Children who receive a large amount of genuinely delivered descriptive praise internalize the praise and their confidence, cooperation, self-reliance and self-image improves.

How to use DESCRIPTIVE PRAISE:

During sibling squabbles:

when a child is whining over the toy train that a sibling is playing with, when the whining stops, say, “I know that you want to play with the train and you are waiting patiently for your turn and not even whining.”

*when one child is teasing the other, praise the child who is not responding by saying, “even though your sister is teasing you, you have not reacted.”

During meal times:

*“you washed your hands before dinner, that is healthy behavior.”

*If children are arguing at a meal, at the moment they stop say, “you stopped arguing, you are making the mealtime pleasant.”

*if children are resistant to eating certain foods, serve a first course of microscopic bits of diverse foods which are required to be finished before the (favored) second course, say, “you finished all of your first course and you did not complain.”

Screen time:

*when the child turns off the television after the viewing time has elapsed, say, “You turned off the TV, you are being cooperative.”

*when the child has earned TV screen time as a reward by completing homework, say, “you have successfully completed your homework and have earned TV time.”

Homework”

*the child has been  practicing writing on the line and has made progress, “you are writing on the line, your writing is so neat.

*the child has not completed his homework and complains about how long it is taking, “you are nearly done with your homework and have demonstrated good concentration and effort. How about a 5 minute break before doing the last part?”

Shaping attitudes:

*for a child who generally argues, “You did not argue about screen time. You are being cooperative.”

*for a child who is strong willed but this time does as asked, say, “You did what I asked when I told you to put your toys away.”

Areas where descriptive praise can be used for a child at any developmental stage: table manners, morning routines, putting away toys and books, putting away clothes, sibling cooperation, cooperation with parents, homework routines, mealtime routines, when a child is being self-reliant, when a child makes eye contact with the person who is speaking and whenever the child demonstrates behavior that you want repeated.

Descriptive praise is a powerful tool in all relationships because it is personal, specific and conveys values. It can be used in communication with family, friends as well as in work settings.