Author: Roberta Hoffman

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HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD TRANSITION BACK TO SCHOOL?

SUMMER VACATION IS OVER!

OH! Now the WHOLE FAMILY has to transition BACK TO SCHOOL.

•How do I get my child to school on time after unstructured days and sleeping until noon?

It takes time for a child to transition back to school routines. Therefore parents need to plan ahead for success in getting back to the structure of the school day.  During the last two weeks of summer vacation parents need to begin reestablishing bedtime routines. In anticipating success the parent should talk to the child about the change in bed time rules and morning routine for the new school year.

•How do I transition my child back to homework when he has media overload? 

As in the bed time routine, this requires planning ahead. Plan for specific times during the week when there is no screen time or media. The best time to work on summer homework activities is in the morning after breakfast. If you leave it to the end of the day the child will be tired.

•Establish routine times for the family to read stories together.

•Make going to the library and book store a fun outing to select books based on the child’s interests.

•Plan for each child to give presentation to the whole family on a book that he / she found interesting.

•For the older child find an activity that is related to the book that will be an incentive for the child to read.

How will the whole family adjust to a new schedule?

OMG! that means that the parents as well as the children need to establish school time routines. Yes! Breakfast, after school activities, dinner as a family and bedtime routines.

What about mealtimes?

•It is important for the child to eat breakfast and parents need to have proper breakfast foods available.

•Include the child in selecting a new lunch box and thermos if necessary. With the younger child, it is fun to make a list of foods and go to the grocery store to have a healthy variety for breakfast and lunch.

•Children need to have a healthy breakfast before beginning the school day. If your child does not like to eat breakfast, it may be that they are eating dinner too late the night before.

•It is important for children to have a regular time for dinner that allows them to digest their food before going to sleep. Eating three hours before going to bed allows for story time and quiet time before going to bed. The child will sleep more soundly and wake up more rested and ready to begin the morning routine.

•It is ideal for the family to eat together but this may not be possible when children are very young. Therefore one of the parents should sit with the child during the child’s dinner.

How do I get my child up in the morning and ready to go out the door for school?

•Be proactive. Create solutions. Anticipate that the child is slow in the morning and plan-ahead for how long everything should take including needed sleep, morning alarm, washing, clothes selection, breakfast and getting the backpack / school supplies ready.

•Plan your day. Determine how long it will take to get ready in the morning and work backward from the departure time to determine the time of the alarm. The parent should be dressed when waking up the child to set an example of being ready.

•Prepare the environment: get kitchen equipment and utensils that children can handle easily so that they can be independent in getting breakfast (plastic glasses, small pitchers).

•Time management: Get as much ready as possible the night before, including setting out clothes and back packs and have the child set his or her own alarm if age appropriate.

•Establish age appropriate rules and routines, use checklists. Meet with the child to discuss the new rules. Do a talk through of the new rules and routines. Write the rules down so everyone remembers. Explain to the child the “why” of the routine/rules as part of the training.

•Establish age appropriate rewards and consequences. Most children like to stay in bed so motivate them by telling them that if they can sleep later tomorrow if they meet the time deadlines for getting out the door on time. Other rewards can be extra stories or reading at night.

•Talk with the child about what he / she anticipates or reactions to starting school.

By involving the whole family and planning ahead, the new school year will be a great success!

Written for the Ross Valley Mother’s Newsletter, August 2013

Roberta Hoffman and Hillary Wollin

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FOSTERING COMPASSION IN OUR CHILDREN THROUGH COMMUNICATION

In our marriage, friendships and work life we intend to speak in a way that creates effective, meaningful interactions characterized by respect and compassion. So, how do parents maintain this intention in our communication with our children when we want them to cooperate? Some ways in which we achieve cooperation are to:
•Reward them when they do as we want
•Coerce them to do as we want them to do
•Punish them when they don’t do as we want them to do.

These alternatives all put the parent in the role of an authoritarian figure where we are using our power over our children to get what we want. Using these alternatives to get a child or an adult to behave in a certain way are likely to be met with resistance because these methods threaten one’s autonomy, or right to do what they want to do. One does not need to be a parent for long to realize that you cannot make someone do what you want them to do. Think of the last time you tried to get your 4 year old to eat all of his vegetables, or to get your teenager to empty the garbage. Using punishment, coercion or rewards frequently involves a power struggle that leaves the parent feeling exhausted and the kids angry.

So, how do we as parents communicate in a way that creates respect and compassion, where both children’s and parent’s needs matter when we are trying to get our children to cooperate? Three skills that a parent can use are: Anticipating Success, Descriptive Praise and Reflective Listening.

1. Anticipating Success includes providing children with an infrastructure that facilitates success including, enough sleep and rest for the child’s developmental age, nourishing food, safety, a clean environment, structure and a caring, loving environment. Knowing your child’s temperment and coping style and having age appropriate expectations guides a parent in making choices about what is best for the child. Other techniques that facilitate success in planning include:
•Be proactive, create solutions by anticipating the child’s needs in a situation.
• Plan your day with realistic time frames.
•Prepare the environment to facilitate the child’s success.
•Establish age appropriate rules and routines, use checklists. Meet with the child to discuss the new rules. Do a “talk through” of the new rules and routines. Write the rules down so everyone remembers. Explain to the child the “why” of routines and rules as part of the training.
• Establish age appropriate rewards and consequences. Use descriptive praise to reinforce the new behaviors.
• Verbally rehearse new routines and expectations including use of story books and pictures.
•Never do for the child what he/she can do for self so that the child can master routines and gain self-confidence and independence.

2. Descriptive Praise is the most powerful motivating tool that a parent can use. It can reduce the number of incidents of misbehavior, it conveys values and rules, and it increases the child’s confidence and cooperation. Descriptive Praise is about noticing and describing the good things that the child does.
•It is about noticing effort rather than results
•It sets a mood in the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
•It is positive and optimistic
•It describes the positive behavior specifically rather than generally.

3. Reflective Listening is a way of providing a caring, nurturing environment for our children If we want a child to be a compassionate, caring human being who respects others, we need to respond to them in respectful, caring ways. Reflective Listening is used to:
•Show that feelings matter
•Show that it is possible to talk about uncomfortable or complicated feelings
•Show that the parent cares about the child’s feelings
•Teach the child that all feelings are acceptable, even though certain behavior is not
•Teach the child a vocabulary for articulating feelings

Reflective Listening is done by:
•Listening quietly and attentively
•Giving the feeling a name or identifying the child’s feeling
•Setting aside your own feelings temporarily
•Refraining from interrupting, arguing reasoning or justifying with the child

Using the skills of Anticipating Success, Descriptive Praise and Reflective Listening parents can demonstrate compassion and caring for their child while shaping cooperative behavior. In turn, the child will develop motivation to cooperate, positive self esteem and empathy for others.

For a more detailed description of the above skills refer to other blog entries on the Parents-Central website, www.parents-central.com

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YOUR AMAZING PREGNANT BODY

As a certified doula Hillary was discussing with a pregnant mom the changes in her body after delivery of the baby. The mom commented, “While my pregnancy has had some discomfort, I am amazed at how wondrous my body is in its ability to stretch and accommodate a living being.” She went on to say, “I have gotten attached to my ‘belly’ and its symbolism of the connection between me and my baby. Really, I wish there was a way to sort of keep it forever.”

“There is,” Hillary replied. She went on to tell her about how she could “cast” her belly and decorate it in a meaningful way, preserving the special memory of her pregnancy. We could make a “Belly Bowl.” This interaction was the beginning of Parents-Central’s offering our clients a plaster casting of their pregnant belly to create a memory of their pregnancy in art.

The belly casting takes 15 minutes. While you sit in a chair we will make a cast of your belly using safe, non-toxic materials. Wear comfortable clothes.You can choose from a selection of decoration styles and your finished belly bowl will be delivered within three weeks of the casting.

Make your appointment for a casting of your pregnant belly or give the gift of preserving this memory forever. Contact: hwollin@parents-central.com
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11 Reasons Why Screen Time Should Be Limited

  1. For children aged 2 months to 4 years old, screen time cuts into the parent-child interaction that is crucial to developing language skills resulting in speech delays and development of smaller vocabularies. (Seattle Children’s Research Institute, 2009)
  2. Most studies of children who use video games conclude that children learn aggressive behaviors and attitudes.
  3. Children who are inactive, watching TV are prone to obesity for three reasons: inactivity, snacking while watching TV and the commercials influence them to ask for junk food.
  4. TV and video use is associated with attention-span problems across the age spectrum, especially more stimulating, rapidly sequenced content. (Pediatrics, March 2011).
  5. Children engaged in screen time have less time for social interaction and free play, both of which are needed for healthy development.
  6. Children who watch violent programs become desensitized to real world violence.
  7. Children who watch violent programs develop fear of being victimized.
  8. Children under two who watch TV programs designed to “teach” or help with “brain development learn less than children who spend time playing or interacting with adults.
  9. Children and teens do not develop critical thinking skills when watching TV. Parents need to teach the child to evaluate the commercials and programs that they see on TV and the content that they are exposed to on the internet for its validity and point of view.
  10. Children are distracted when the TV is on in the background.
  11. Youth who are heavy consumers of media (16 hours [21% of youth are heavy users])report lower grades and lower levels of personal contentment (sad, unhappy, bored) than youth who have less screen time.
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As the Parent of a Newborn, How Soon Can I Start Using Descriptive Praise?

New parents ask how soon they can start using the four basic parenting skills. The answer is that parents can start from their first contact with their baby. At this early age, you are mostly training yourself in use of basic, effective parenting skills which convey love and understanding of the baby’s moods and behavior. As the infant becomes a toddler and school age child the same skills increase the child’s self-esteem, cooperation and motivation. The first of the four basic skills is Descriptive Praise.

Descriptive praise is specific rather than general and focuses on effort rather than outcome. Descriptive praise is a powerful motivator. It is used to convey values and shape behavior. (In contrast, evaluative praise is vague,general and does not motivate or increase the child’s confidence. See http://www.parents-central.com/2012/04/). As a parent of a newborn, there are numerous qualities that you appreciate about your newborn from day one. These can be conveyed to your baby in comments such as: “you are very alert,” “you slept soundly,” “you drank so much milk,” “you nurse easily,” “you are calm.” As the child grows, the parent’s descriptive praise reinforces the child’s efforts and progress in physical, emotional and social development. For example, to a 4 year old, “you color within the lines, your drawing is very neat.” To a school age child the parent may say, “you write your numbers on the line and they are in the correct order.” Beginning this skill early reinforces the parents’ observations of the child’s growth and development as well as reinforcing the child’s behavior and effort.

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Thanksgiving Is An Opportunity To Teach Children Gratitude

Across America we are entering the holiday season. Halloween, with its abundance of candy and costumes gives way to Thanksgiving, a day when we focus on givng thanks for our blessings. It is important to teach children the historical and spiritual meaning of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is rooted in religious and cultural traditions of thanking God for special blessings. The first Thanksgiving in the United States was celebrated by the settlers in 1621. The settlers suffered hard times but decided to set aside a day to thank God for their blessings. At the first Thanksgiving meal Elder William Brewster said a prayer thanking God for their homes, food, safety in a new land, the opportunity to create a new world, freedom and justice.  The United States was the first country to make a national holiday to give thanks when George Washington proclaimed the first Thanksgiving in 1789.

Another part of the Thanksgiving holiday is experiencing and expressing gratitude. Feeling gratitude is an acknowledgement of the gifts that we have in our life. A sense of gratitude can be a balance to stressful events, giving a positive perspective to balance negative situations. Adults who are grateful report having fewer health problems more energy and a greater sense of well being. People who have a sense of gratitude are appreciative and compassionate as opposed to entitled. (Who wouldn’t want our children to have these feelings.)

Activities to help children to understand the meaning of Thanksgiving and develop a sense of gratitude include:

  • Watching The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, available on www.youtube.com
  • Having each family member make a list of things they are thankful for and sharing it with other members of the family. This should be done on a routine basis, not just on Thanksgiving.
  • Role model saying thank you and please and writing thank you notes. Thanking others for kind acts in the presence of your children.
  • Teaching children to write thank you notes for gifts as well as kind acts from others.
  • Teaching children to say thank you to others for kind acts.
  • Share the history of Thanksgiving with children. Check out children’s books from the library and read them together.
  • Involve children in cooking the Thanksgiving meal and cleaning up after the meal.
  • Have children send invitations to the Thanksgiving meal.
  • Do something to assist a person in need: plan and implement it with your children.
  • Establish or reinforce family traditions for the Thanksgiving holiday.
  • Because the holiday traditionally celebrates the abundant harvest and having enough food, donate food to a local food bank. Visit the San Francisco and Marin Food Bank website for specifics of donating, http://www.sffoodbank.org/
  • Set up a food fund drive at your church, office or school. The San Francisco and Marin Food Bank website has detailed information on how to do this http://www.sffoodbank.org/

Best wishes to all for a Happy Thanksgiving Holiday.