As school begins there is often a feeling of a new start, a new year. At this time parents and children often consider activities for the child to be engaged in outside of school. In reading POSITIVE NOT PUSHY by Cassandra Jardine there some recommendations about how to choose out of school activites and how to assist children to be successful in these activities.
POSITIVE NOT PUSHY is about how not to be a pushy parent. It is a how to book about attitudes and behaviors parents can use to insure children’s success in out of school activities. It is based on techniques the author learned from Noel Janis-Norton and Luke Scott. In addition, Jardine spoke to children, adults who had been successful as children and parenting experts. She posits that parents need to be “effectively pushy.”
In choosing children’s out of school activities, some parents take the point of view of not being pushy and letting children decide for themselves what they want to do, not making children do anything that isn’t “fun.” Jardine argues that parents have a responsibility to expose children to extracurricular activities to nurture their talents, use their imaginations, acquire skills, broaden their interests, develop confidence, fitness, relaxaton, self-discipline, self-reliance, relaxation, social ease and team spirit. Activities should be chosen considering the child’s temperment, age and stage of development.
Jardine differentiates between positive pushiness and negative pushiness. Negative pushiness includes:
- The parent who is critical of a child for not winning or trying hard enough. This parent is focused only on results.
- The protective parent who is critical of the coach when the child does not do well including wanting the child to be given special treatment. This type of parent protects the child from experiencing the consequendes of his own actions.
- The impatient parent makes the child feel that he or she is not doing well enough.
- The parent who is unrealistic about the child’s talents or the level of skill the child might achieve. This parent may complain to coaches and teachers about the role that their child is given in school plays and athletic teams.
- Parents who want their children to be the best in the class and get angry at them when they make mistakes. This approach causes children to loose confidence in themselves.
- The frustrated achiever who wants the child to achieve for the parent’s own needs. This kind of parent can make a child feel anxioius and uncared about.
- The ambitious parent expects the child and family to benefit, usually financially, from the child’s talent.
- The single minded parent focuses on making the child stick to one acitvity and failing to help the child develop a range of talents and skills.
- The self sacrificial parent who makes the child feel guilty when he or she does not meet the parent’s expectations.
- The controlling parent who wants to be in charge of the child’s progress.
- The overstimulating parent who keeps the child busy to the point of exhaustion.
- The unconfident parent who is unable to make priorities, over explaining and negotiating with the child to engage in the activity.
Negative pushy parenting can adversely effect the child’s motivation, self image, confidence and parent-child relationship.
Positive pushy parenting begins when the child is young and the pushy parenting behaviors are age appropriate for the child. At an early age, it is important to play with the child to determine the child’s interests and skills. Young children benefit from running, catching, jumping, keeping an eye on the game, playing within a boundary and following instructions and rules. Activities should be age appropriate, not above the child’s ability, which could leave the child frustrated. Through family activities, children learn values, skills and build relationships within the family.
Positive pushy parents are methodical in choosing coaches and teachers for their child’s out of school activities. The coach or teacher should be calm, fair, nonjudgmental, encouraging, skillful in the activity, understand how children learn, know how to motivate children, able to relate to parents and consistent in establishing routines and enforcing rules. If parents coach their own children in sports or the arts, they must suspend the role of parent and assume the role of coach during the activity.
What activity will suit a child? This question can be answered by considering:
- Which activities are conveniently available
- The child’s talent, temperment and maturity
- Financial resources
- Gaps in the school curriculum
- Activities that give the child confidence
- Activities that the child is interested in.
In choosing an activity, general considerations are: one new activity at a time, set short term goals that foster motivation and are achievable, set trial periods after which there will be a review, not signing up children for too many activities and be realistic about what the child can achieve. In choosing activities for the less confident child, putting children in activities that they are not good at to help them improve will cause the child frustration and reduce confidence. In all activities, teach children to problem solve rather than give answers to all of their questions. Activities such as household chores, can help a child to feel part of the family and successful in activities of daily living. In deciding whether a child joins an advanced group or not, a child gets more confidence from being at the top of lower group than being at the bottom of a higher one. Anxious parents who protect their child from disappointment make it harder for the child to accept disappointment. It is important for children to see things as they are and be supported in their disappointment.
Positive pushy parents can help their children to be good participants and team members through the following behaviors:
- Establish daily and weekly routines for practice and preparation
- Discourage the child’s complaints
- Use descriptive praise to acknowledge positive behavior
- Attend the child’s practice sessions, concerts and matches
- Create healthy habits including nutrition, sleep, and a balance of activities
- Get the child to lessons on time with the right clothing and equipment
- Submit forms and fees on time
- Talk about the activity with the child
- Show appreciation and respect for the coach’s efforts
- Focus on the child’s efforts rather than on winning
- Celebrate the child’s success.
Getting a child to practice can be a struggle. How does a parent assist the child to practice (be engaged) in a new activity? Make practice a habit: the point of practice is progress, not perfection. If the child is resisting practice try to understand what it is about practice that the child feels is objectionable. Help the child to set specific, routine times to practice. Many children hate practicing. Why? Some of the reasons are: It feels lonely, parents are critical or impatient, the child doesn’t see progress. Work with the teacher or coach and child to define content of practice sessions, set goals for each practice and make sure that the child is rested and fed before practice sessions. Talk about the practice sessions with the child and acknowledge the child’s judgment about the quality of the performance.
Children know what they want but not what they need. There are circumstances why a parent should choose not to meet the child’s wishes including: the child can already do the activity well, the child wants to pursue the activity to be popular or to please parents, the activity interest is impulsive, and the activity is not good for the child. In considering whether to meet the child’s wish to pursue an activity, finding a compromise is often an advantage. Choice in a child’s activities should not be left to the child. The parent needs to oversee that there is a balance of activities including sports, the arts and domestic arts.
Jardine’s book offers practical and effective advice parents can use to insure children’s success in out of school activities. Using her advice, parents will be able to assist their children to nurture their talents; use their imaginations; acquire skills; broaden their interests; develop confidence, fitness, relaxaton, self-discipline, self-reliance, relaxation, social ease and team spirit.
POSITIVE NOT PUSHY by Cassandra Jardine, March 2005 by Vermilion publishers.
